Solitude
by NightmareGlitter
Summary: Since Yubel has possessed Johan, he's tried to think of some way to shake free of her, to save Juudai. But they have become one, and the truth is almost too much to bear. Yubel Johan x Johan, mentions of Johan x Juudai and onesided Yubel x Juudai Oneshot


**A/N: Ok, peeps, before you accuse me of being high on crack (which I'm not), I just felt the need to write an obscure, NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN pairing and SHOW y'all it CAN be done and done with some sort of sense. If you want to flame, I don't mind. Go ahead. If you want to give me harsh criticism, by all means, do it. Con crit? Be my guest, I'll take it and learn. If you just feel like saying "ZOMG HAWT" that's fine too. I don't care whether you review or not, really. I just wanted to get this off of my chest. And test my skills at it, too. If I mess up, then PLEASE let me know so I can fix it and improve. THAT'S what I need you guys for. :P Oh, and for the record, I LOVE possesshipping. :isbricked: This should probably be a longer project but…eh, it's a test. I'll perhaps revise it and lengthen it later. :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own GX. Otherwise, all the male characters would be paired with THEMSELVES. XD Jk. Now that I've scared you…O.o**

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The cloaked figure kept to the shadows as he stepped over rubble and remains of the former village. All around him was pain and suffering. The pain and suffering of one young boy. Deep inside, something inside him stirred. It tore at the true owner of the body to no end. The boy winced, narrowing his orange eyes and clutching the front of his cloak. He should've locked the soul away, instead of preserving it and splitting it in half. Maybe it would've been better to have sealed the soul inside of the card, as he originally intended. But instead, he had wanted the added suffering that radiated from the one within: Johan Andersen.

Johan was more than in a little pain. He was suffering as much as the other wanted Juudai to…It had not been his intention to injure Johan so badly at first. But perhaps he could get through to Juudai…Perhaps he could show the depth of true emotion to the oblivious brunet. Alas, it did not seem promising. Johan resisted with every ounce of his strength. It was becoming increasingly apparent that he would have to be restrained somehow. The other would have to seal him away. But why did his hand shake so much every time he held the card that would become Johan's prison? Why was it so difficult to do the necessary, to put the boy away where he could never reach out to the world, never to taste the roaming wind or freedom again. That was just it. Johan's spirit wanted to wander aimlessly. He wanted to find Juudai and comfort him. The agony that Juudai was in was too much for him. He could sense it, even from such a distance, from what he'd observed. Even more sickening, he believed it to be partially his fault. All he wanted to do was find Juudai and tell him it was all right, to save him. But Juudai had to do this on his own. The other was waiting for Juudai to seek him out. In the meantime, he kept to the shadows, biding his time and building up his strength, practicing for the final battle.

Johan wished that he would not do this. The bitter cruelty that he displayed, it was almost inconceivable that this same entity loved Juudai with deep, burning passion, almost as much as he did. Which was what they shared, the one thing they had in common: they loved Juudai. But while this may have seemed like the end of their similarities, it was not. Johan knew that deep down inside, this invasive spirit was feeding off his darkness, not to mention picking at his fervent desire to beat Yuuki Juudai. For these reasons, the other had decided to rip Johan's soul in half. Partially, this was to weaken him so he could not resist the beckon and the lure. Partially, this was to draw upon his power, upon his darkness. Together they could get the goal accomplished. However, lately, he had been putting up a fight. He would not give in so easily. For that reason, Johan knew his time was limited. Juudai could not save him. He had to think of something to save himself.

From the back of his mind, he watched with dulled emerald eyes as a card was pulled from the top of his deck. The hand shook momentarily, before turning the card over slowly. Johan squinted, trying to adjust the blurred view he had. Gradually, the image became clearer to him. His eyes widened at the sight of Rainbow Dark Dragon. So this was it…the card that he would be sealed into. He supposed it only made sense. The ultimate Gem Beast for ultimate security. Still, he could not let this occur--not so quickly, not so easily! He must think of something to stall the other. Gathering up the courage, he spoke from deep within his subconscious.

"Y-You're making a mistake…"

The body tensed. "And even at this threat, you refuse to leave me alone…"

"It's not enough to threaten me…It's what has been done to Juudai…the pain that I'm causing him. I never meant for this to happen. I was just trying to help him when I let him walk away…I never meant for him to be so hurt…"

"And he is all that matters to you? Are you serious?"

Johan swallowed and leaned against the cerulean crystal, staring at the mist gathering in front of him. A mirror image of himself appeared in front of him, only this one had piercing orange eyes. They narrowed at the sight of him. The fists clenched and his features were pulled into a snarl.

"Why must you force me to speak with you?" He asked, an edge to his tone.

"Because it's necessary," Johan gulped, "But…Why do you…look like me even in my mind's eye? I know who you are…though your aura is slightly masked…"

The other smirked. "It is true who you suspect me to be. However, there are things about me that you don't know. I have temporarily connected our souls so that I might have the energy to do what I must. Therefore, I have taken the darkness from your heart and used it to my advantage. Everyone has darkness in their hearts. You and I share a similar darkness. Being like-minded, it was easy for me to overthrow you and possess this body. Because, simply put, you let me. I am a part of you now. I AM you now."

"N-No…" Johan gasped as the boy in front of him grasped his face and jerked it upwards, forcing their eyes to meet.

"You are the key to my success," He whispered, the sensation of his warm breath on Johan's face. Leaning closer, a look of mock sympathy etched across his features. "Oh, poor boy. You have just experienced heartache for the first time. But it shall not be the only time, I can assure you that. You think you may be at the height of agony. But once you think you cannot hurt any more, you find yourself wrong. Everything you knew and loved is wrenched from your grasp. And you don't even know why. The world is a cold place. You must learn that it takes extreme measures to get what you so desperately desire. The only way that you can escape this suffering is to endure it and inflict it on the one that causes you that suffering, so they might understand how deeply you feel for them. Pain is the only way that you can convey your love. Kindness can be shown to anyone. But severe cruelty is against human nature and can only be given to those worthy of it. Love is suffering. Therefore, in order to love, one must suffer and hurt those that cause the pain. You have so much left to learn."

Johan shied away from the touch. This only prompted his captor to crouch in front of him, looking rather like a predator. He leaned in closer, a smirk playing on his lips, his eyes almost glowing. The more Johan resisted, the closer his counterpart dared to edge, until he could whisper sweet words laced with venom in the innocent boy's ear.

"You have to give in. Your pain is strong. It is human nature to preserve one's own existence. Why do you allow yourself to fester in this atrocious feeling? Are you that masochistic? How can you resist hurting those you love to show that you do love them? It's a natural part of life. Look at what you've done so far…You've already hurt him…Perhaps the only way out is to fight fire with fire. You must crush him in every way possible, defeat him, burn his will before he'll return to you." The grip on his face tightened, the nails digging into his cheeks, leaving red marks. A tongue glided out to graze the shell of Johan's ear. The touch was surprisingly gentle, but deadly. Despite himself, the sensation of the wet muscle traveling the line of his ear sent shivers up and down his spine.

He tried once more to jerk free. But the other persisted. Horrified, he tried to crush the emotion welling within him. Hate. Was it hate? How could this cause him to feel such noxious emotion? How could a mere feeling be so strong as to change one, to make one sick? Was it even his will? Something deep inside told him it was. Envy rushed through his poisoned veins. The question that lingered in his mind pulsed with such intensity, it gave him vertigo. It slipped from the corner of his subconscious, until he voiced it in a near inaudible whisper.

"Have I grown that much of a narcissist?"

"You always looked out for yourself," The other whispered, fondling his cheek almost lovingly, though Johan knew better, "It is human nature to love oneself and put oneself above everyone else. Even Juudai. You cannot help but hurt him. That is the meaning of true love. That is the truth behind everyone's existence. Meaningless, isn't it?"

"Y-You have it all wrong," Johan protested, struggling with all his might, "I do not wish to harm him! I don't want my own self interests to be put above Juudai…He means more to me than anything else in this life…"

"If you do not wish to harm him," The voice in his ear hissed, the tongue flicking out to press against his hot pulse momentarily, "then you do not really love him as you say you do."

Another gasp emitted from his lips. His eyes widened, then, he stared at the face in front of him. "How can such a creature possibly have anything to do with me?!"

"Because it is your desire." He replied, as though it were the most natural thing in the world to have a foreign spirit residing in one's mind.

"Why is it my desire?" He asked, breathlessly.

"Because you want to defeat Yuuki Juudai."

"Why do I want to defeat Juudai?"

A moment of silence. Then, the fierce eyes focused on Johan's, a furious spark igniting from beneath the surface. "Don't toy with your intentions. You know good and well why. You want to be the best. You want to feel the rush of vigor and adrenaline coursing through your body as you crush him. As you put him to shame. You want to feel the thrill of beating the one with such a high amount of enthusiasm. You want to know what it feels like to be the one with the closest bond to your deck. But you can never experience that as long as Juudai is around…So you must defeat him so that you can experience true nirvana."

"No, it's not true…" He insisted, his eyebrows knitting together in frustration. He put his hands on his head, trembling slightly, "Shut up…Just shut up…I don't know what you're talking about."

A wicked smirk came to the other's face. A tongue ran over his lips in eager anticipation, lust burning in his eyes. "Oh, but that's exactly why you're denying it, why you're telling me to keep my mouth shut. The truth hurts, doesn't it? You don't want to admit that you possess darkness and malice, harboring it, nursing it from deep within just as everyone else. Yes, Juudai has far more power than you could ever imagine. But he's not the only one…You have a certain amount, too. He may have more, but you have his heart. You could bring him to his knees in an instant. If you want to save him so badly, then why do you hesitate to hurt him? It's because of fear. Fear that's stronger than love. Fear that is the purest of all the emotions. Fear that makes you selfish. You're afraid that he'll hate you if you hurt him, if you show that you love him. Because you're afraid of how he'll view you, then you're being selfish. The reason you don't do it is not because it WOULD hurt him. Rather, it's to preserve his image of you. You really are a narcissist, aren't you?"

Johan clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. "Leave me alone…I never meant to get caught up in this…So what if I'm scared? I have every right to be! I'm no longer in control."

"Oh, but you are more than you think," the other whispered to him, taking his chin between a finger and a thumb and jerking his head up again. "You want someone else to do it for you, so the blame won't be placed on you. That's why you need me. You want me to take that burden from you. And, unlike you, I am not a coward. I am ready to take responsibility for my actions in order to get what I want."

Johan refused to meet the other's gaze. He did not want to believe that this entity could be speaking the truth. But the way the bile was rising from the burning pit of his stomach was evidence enough. He could not shut his mind off to the truth, could he? Why was it so hard to accept? Was this what Juudai had gone through?

But, no, Juudai could never do anything of the sort…It had to be different, it had to! Feeling like a wretched monster, he brought his knees up to his chest and pressed his forehead against them. Why did he want to believe it wasn't his fault? Why did he want so badly to tell himself that he was merely being used as a puppet? Wasn't that the truth? If so, then what about Juudai? All this time, he'd seemed so innocent, so angelic. But the truth of the matter…He was a fallen angel, just as everyone else on the earth. He was not perfect. He had let his fiery anger consume him, releasing a monstrosity. So was it the same with him? From what Yubel had been telling him…it seemed to be so. But…he'd never harbored any of that power! Only a slight darkness. So did that mean that Yubel was the source? Was he being lied to? Was it all a trick? Feeling confused, he clenched his teeth and tried not to scream from the burden that was weighing upon the pre-existing anxiety. Confusion mixed in with the agony, piercing his already broken heart. He did not want to feel like this. He did not want to go on believing that he was the reason Juudai had been torn. He did not want to think that he could not fix it…that he did not love Juudai with all his heart.

"Please stop…" he murmured, covering his ears. He could not bear to hear anymore.

"I'm simply telling you the truth," the other muttered, placing his hands on Johan's shoulders.

"I never meant it to be like that…" Johan whispered, digging his fingers into the fabric of his pants, "I never meant to hurt him or be selfish…I was trying to help him…"

"You were trying to steal the glory," the whisper tickled his ear as the other leaned closer.

There was no way he could possibly argue. It had not been his intention. But the other was resolute to make his life miserable. But why? A little voice in the back of his mind proposed the possibility that it might be because he loved himself, therefore, he was going to hurt himself. Ridiculous. There was no way that could be true…could it? Glancing up at the other with an unreadable expression, he thought about the other possibilities. Perhaps it was because this entity had to squeeze all the potential out of him. If he was badly upset, then he would be all the more determined to show that it wasn't true, whether it was or was not. And the result of this would be that he expelled more energy, which meant that this creature living inside of him was upsetting him in order to get his power.

Seeing the delicious blend of negative emotion swirling in his eyes, the other smirked. The seed of self doubt had been planted. It was up to Johan what was done with it. But, judging by the reaction he was getting, it was apparent what was going to have to be done. Otherwise…

Johan's head shot up, his eyes filled with burning choler rather than the heartbreak and regret that had filled them moments before. Grasping his mirror image by the shoulders, his scowl deepened. Shivering as tears blurred his vision, he said quietly, "I know what I must do then…" He paused to take a deep breath, "If you insist on using me to hurt Juudai for your own sick, personal reasons, and if you plan on using my energy to do it, then it's clear to me that the only way to stop it is to cease my own existence. I cannot overthrow you. So I'll lock myself so deep within my mind that I can never return. You can have my body. But you can't have my soul. I won't let you hurt Juudai anymore than you were going to already…"

"So you'd be willing to sacrifice yourself?!" Pure disbelief clouded those orange eyes. "Why would you…do that?"

"Because that's the true meaning of love," Johan hissed, "That's what suffering means in the positive sense. If I can protect him…then that's all that matters to me."

The other seemed torn. His eyes darted about; he licked his lips nervously. Then, focusing his half lidded gaze back on the boy in front of him, his grip tightened, and he leaned forward once more. "I cannot allow you to do that. If that's what you plan on doing to stop me, then you're sadly mistaken. I'll merely lock you away in that card. And you can't do anything from there."

Johan opened his mouth to protest, only to be quieted by a sudden, harsh kiss. It was completely random; it caught him off guard. The gasp that followed was muffled by the other's lips. It seemed strange to think that he could be kissing a version of himself, although it wasn't entirely him. He tried to resist, only to be forced back into the unwanted display of faux affection. Struggling did no good. The other merely placed one hand behind the back of his head, pressing their mouths closer. The deed mortified him. How could this entity be so spontaneous? What was he trying to accomplish? Feeling a tongue running over his lips, he shivered. What was this sinful allure that rose from within? What made him so attracted to a more powerful vision of "himself?" He must remind himself who this REALLY was…It was Yubel, true, but she possessed a vital piece of his soul, or so she said. So what did that make this entity? Perhaps it didn't matter. It was a transgression nonetheless. To himself and to Juudai. This had to stop.

The other had a different idea on the matter. Entangling his fingers in Johan's thick, teal spikes, he forced the wet muscle between reluctant lips. Johan thrashed, only to be held still with one strong arm. His breaths came in short pants, though they were cut off by the intrusive object. He felt as though he were being suffocated mentally; he felt his energy fading quickly. The tongue explored his mouth, running gently over the inside of his cheeks and on his own tongue. The sensation caused him to inhale sharply, his eyes half closing. Maybe it was a sin. Maybe he was wrong. But it did not stop it from feeling wonderful. The taste of sweet liquor lingered on his tongue; he found himself not wanting it to end. A wave of sleepy comfort washed over his senses; even though he knew what was occurring, there was little he could do against the pull. After a moment's more, he found himself returning the gentle pressure. Maybe it was true that one's true love was himself. Maybe relenting and relinquishing this control was not an entirely bad thing.

The hands that had once been so rough with him before were suddenly gentle. They ran over his back softly, the fingertips barely brushing the skin of his collarbone. He shivered in response. Then, breaking the seal of the kiss, the other brought him closer, breathing erratically and staring at him with eyes drunk on lust and desire. Looking deeper, Johan realized he was a mere substitute for Juudai. Somehow, it did not matter. He knew he was doing the same. Pushing the guilt back, he let his chin drop as his counterpart leaned down and glued his mouth onto the junction of his neck and shoulder, nipping at it gently. He felt the blood rush faster, his heart thumping wildly. He tilted his head back and allowed it. Even though he knew it was wrong, he had no choice but to give in. He could do nothing to stop it. He could do nothing more.

Although he was delusional at the time, thinking he could feel a faint glow of happiness returning to his forlorn soul, he knew deep inside that it was all a lie. After all, at this point, Juudai could never love him. They could not repair what they had begun. They could never be together as long as they were so badly broken. This was why he allowed this show of affection. He was stranded, abandoned in the depths of his mind. It was not Juudai's intention. It was not his fault. He had tried to find Johan. He had looked with all his might, sacrificed everything and everyone. But it was all in vain. He was lost forever, it seemed, simply a being that floated aimlessly in the space of time. He could not forgive himself for wasting Juudai's efforts. He could not forgive himself for being the cause of Juudai's downfall.

Juudai had once been a hero. And then he had fallen…It was strange to think that one person could be the root of the destruction of so many lives. Then, too, Johan had touched all their lives, all the lives he'd indirectly destroyed. Did he share the blame? Were his hands tainted with the same blood that Juudai had spilt? Perhaps he had made wrong decisions. Perhaps Juudai had made wrong choices. Their solitude was their punishment. They were destined to walk the world alone, isolated, cold. It was what they deserved for their bloodshed, for their crimes. Nothing could turn the clock back. Nothing could bring those people back to life. For this, their fate was sealed. They would trudge across the vacancy in their minds, wondering why…and seeking relief. But they would find none. Even then, as he derived sick pleasure from this entity, this invader, he was doing nothing more than setting himself up for further hurt. He was injuring himself, and he liked it.

Smiling weakly, a faint reminder of the optimism he shared with Juudai in a time that seemed so far away, he reclined on his back, letting his mind slip away as the other boy fell on top of him. He knew what was really occurring. With each kiss that was endowed upon him, a piece of his spirit went with it. He'd been stripped of everything. And then, he didn't even have the choice of where his soul would end up. He knew that the other was trapping him by enticing him in such a manner; he knew he'd brought it on himself. And he would have to pay by having his soul sealed away in the card he treasured so much.

With a lengthy sigh and a small kiss given to his counterpart as a token of appreciation for his kindness, his eyelids fluttered shut. He thought he heard a murmured apology as he felt his life force weaken, as his soul was drained from his mind, untimely ripped. It was not being quelled. Rather, transferred to the card. But he might as well treat this as the ultimate end. In his mind, it was.

As he faded, he reached his arms around the other, squeezing the warm body closely and tightly, although it was a mere illusion in his mind's eye. He pressed his cheek to the strong chest, and listened to the rhythmic metronome of a heartbeat. It may have been a symbol of fragile life, but to Johan…it was a death knell. A soft brush of the lips and a quiet whispered word of gratitude caused the tangerine eyes to widen in surprise. Before he could ask the meaning of it, Johan was gone.

Allowing himself to sink out of the shared mind, he stared down at the card in his trembling hand. He had done it and done it well. Although he had gained what he had wanted, he felt empty. Alone. Isolated. Something was missing. Perhaps he would fill the void when he found Juudai. But what he had lost seemed to be irreplaceable. He had lost what it meant to be human.

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**A/N: Meh, sorry about the crappyness. But I just HAD to indulge in the thought of Yubel Johan x Johan. And, eh, it was inspired by fan art…I know that some things work better in art. And I know that Yubel is technically not as much a part of Johan as a part of JUUDAI (in the later episodes.) But I supposed that while they were together, they could've in a way shared a sort of bond. They had to. After all, they both cared deeply for Juudai. And since canon didn't show what happened before Yubel put him in the card (though I suspect it was during the duel but it's not sure), I took the liberty of filling some of that in. Though it's not my interpretation that they had anything going on, she had to like him to a certain degree to choose him like that and to dress him up as a bondage slave and become one with him... O.o Meh, I just had fun writing this. It's a stretch but…I felt the need to do it. So, yeah, review if you feel like it, ignore, whatever. Just an experiment. **


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